Friends or Foes?

Is it possible to be friends with someone you have feelings for?

When my friend, Albert, broke up with his boyfriend – who happens to be my friend, Andre, Andre turned into a bitter, self-hating, vengeful person because he still has feelings for Albert. I've always believed in the 'make love, not war' propaganda, so, at that time, I was mad at Andre for making my friendship with Albert, who I happen to know longer, awkward. I couldn't understand why he had to keep Albert from being friends and communicating with me. What I didn't realize or refused to realize was that I've been facing almost the same problem and that I contradict my own views and believes by avoiding it. The only difference between Andre's case and mine is the fact that Ganteng and I were never boyfriends in the first place.

Ganteng is the first guy I have strong feelings for; he's cute, very broad-minded, and extremely intelligent. When I realized a few years ago that we're never going to be more than just friends, I convinced myself to settle for exactly that. Friendship. We chatted almost every day up until 3 years ago, slowed down to writing each every other day for about a year, and then he stopped writing all together when he started his livejournal.com.

I think the problem has been there from the very beginning; I just didn't or refused to see it. I thought I could still be a part of him if I remain by his side. Be there whenever he needs me, that sort of thing. When I convinced myself to settle for friendship with him and agreed to read his livejournal entries instead of badgering him to write, I didn't realize I'd get more than what I was ready to cope. I didn't expect to know every single detail of his life. Just being able to know the most important parts would do. When he rescued me from a failing relationship 12,000 miles away from home, I actually believed we could be best friends instead of just casual friends. It wasn't just a lead, he really said in my face that the reason he did what he did was because we're best friends. I realized that I've been deluding myself when I read one of his entries yesterday.

Reading about his (unsuccessful) love life hurt more than I anticipated. That's why I started making up as many silly excuses I could come up with to avoid having to read his livejournal after a while. Reading the aforementioned Bali bombing incident entry, however, hurt a whole lot more.

Okay, maybe a little bit of clarification is in order. In said entry, he wrote that 'all his friends in Indonesia are fine'. The operative word there was 'all'. I realized I wasn't a part of his circle of friends any more because I never wrote and told him how I was doing, so there was no way he could've known I was 'fine'.

I was rather upset about that entry, but I realize I can't blame him for anything. Maybe he doesn't see us as friends any more. Maybe he just wrote what he felt like writing. It wasn't his fault. It was my fault I stopped reading his journal. It was my fault I never wrote to him. It was my fault I cut off our communication. I am the only one to blame. But what good would it do blaming myself?

I used to believe that one can be friends with someone he/she has feelings for, but, after what happened; I'm no longer so sure it's that simple...